A couple of jokes I received recently, thought I'd share
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    Rods 'n' Sods Junkie mundungus's Avatar
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    A couple of jokes I received recently, thought I'd share

    The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations in a Dudley School for 16 year olds

    These are genuine responses from 16 year olds


    Geography
    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A : Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Sociology
    Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A : If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A : Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A : Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Biology
    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A : Premature death.

    Q: What is artificial insemination?
    A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A : Keep it in the cow. [He got an A ]

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
    A : The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A , E, I, O,U.

    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A : A small lie.

    Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
    A : Nearby.

    Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
    A : Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
    A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A : A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A : When you are sick at the airport.

    Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A : Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.


    English
    Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
    A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

    Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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  3. #2
    Rods 'n' Sods Junkie mundungus's Avatar
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    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
    Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
    Contestant: Homosexuals.
    Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


    BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
    Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
    Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
    Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
    Contestant:
    Leicester


    BBC NORFOLK
    Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
    Contestant: Arm
    Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
    Contestant: Strong.
    Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
    Contestant: Louis
    Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
    Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


    LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
    Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
    Contestant: France.
    Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
    Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
    Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
    Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
    Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
    Contestant: Paris.


    THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
    Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
    Contestant: The Conservative Party.


    BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
    DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
    Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
    Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
    Contestant: Goosey?

    GWR FM ( Bristol )
    Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
    Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO??? MANCHESTER )
    Phil: What's 11 squared?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
    Contestant: Is it five?


    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
    Contestant: Forrest Gump.


    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
    Contestant: Er. .. ..
    Richard: He makes bread . . .
    Contestant: Er . ....
    Richard: He makes cakes . . .
    Contestant: Kipling Street?

    LINCS FM PHONE-IN
    Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
    Contestant: Barcelona.
    Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
    Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

    NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
    Question: What is the world's largest continent?
    Contestant: The Pacific.

    ROCK FM PRESTON
    Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
    Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


    THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
    Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
    Contestant: Magna Carta?

    JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
    James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
    Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


    CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
    Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna?
    Caller: Japan.
    Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
    Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?

    PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
    Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
    Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

    DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
    Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
    Contestant: Holland?
    Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
    Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
    Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
    Contestant: No.

    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
    Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
    Contestant: Er. ... .
    Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
    Contestant: Blimey?
    Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
    Contestant: (Silence)
    Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
    Contestant: Walked?

    THE VAULT
    Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
    Contestant: Nostalgia.


    STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
    Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
    Contestant: Jesus.

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