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oh come we need more jokes ..

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716K views 5K replies 456 participants last post by  Kustom Jim 
#1 ·
lifes dull enough so here goes

bloke goes into the doctors and says to doc i wonder if you can have a look at my foot..
He lobs it on the table and the doctor sayS " im sorry my freind but thats not a foot"
to which patient replies ,nope ! but its a good 11 inches aint it ...:pmsl:

gets me every time ... sorry..
 
#271 ·
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'

.
 
#272 ·
WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:

Definitely not!


WIFE:

Why not - don ' t you like being married?


HUSBAND:

Of course I do.


WIFE:

Then why wouldn ' t you remarry?


HUSBAND:

Okay, I ' d get married again.


WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).


WIFE:

Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:

Sure, it ' s a great house.


WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.


WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:

No, she ' s left-handed.


WIFE:

- silence - -


HUSBAND:

Fuck....
 
#274 ·
sorry if you have seen this one

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it
was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied

''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid?
Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long
and include one capital''
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!
 
#275 ·
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
>
> Doctor: "What happened?"
>
> Woman:
> "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
> drunk he beats me to a pulp."
>
> Doctor:
> "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home
> drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it.
> Just gargle and gargle."
>
> Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
> reborn.
>
> Woman: "Doctor,
> that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I
> gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
>
> Doctor: "You see how keeping
> your mouth shut helps?"
 
#277 ·
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"




He said: "Who the fuck did your hair?"
 
#278 ·
They have found the black box from flight 409 Ethiopian airways that crashed recently. Apparently the plane went into a nosedive when a crisp packet was overheard being opened in the cockpit.


The government have a secret agenda after the next election. It has been leaked they are going to round up all the retards and send them to Antartica. My advice is......... RUN, RUN for the hill's, and don't forget to take your crayons with you
 
#280 ·
Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.
6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC 2.

As reported in the newpaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,
a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the
time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't
have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land
Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to
do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd
always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married
to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and
go in the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E
& B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put
the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
 
#288 ·
the 10th annual blowjob contest is tomorrow,we ask that you stay at home so a girl can win for once....thanks champ...


unfortunatly my other half sent me this...funny woman...:S
 
#289 ·
Hi All,


A Mexican, an Arab, and an English man are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a
Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass
to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses
that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one
gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill, he says, In England we have so many illegal immigrants that
we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


Cheers.

Russ.
 
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