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  1. #121
    Historian timetravel's Avatar
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    polegate sussex
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    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'

    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, couch, livingroom floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said..

    'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equip ment?'

    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

    Mrs. Smith fainted

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  3. #122
    Official RnS Addict farncombe pop's Avatar
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    NO NO NO ! what we need is a bit of poetry to move us up to a higher level,

    One day while out a walking i saw a peacock hen
    who flys of to the south then flys back home again
    one day it meet another bird it was a kestral hawk
    who plucked out all it's feathers and said now you tosser walk!
    Here to help !

  4. #123
    Official RnS Addict Ratty's Avatar
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    What did the number 0 say to the number 8 ?

    "Nice belt"

    I joined a nudest colony the other week . The first few days were the hardest ...

  5. #124
    Official RnS Addict Stitch's Avatar
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    And that's when the fight started .....

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And that's when the fight started


    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started ..


    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said..
    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
    And that's when the fight started...


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
    dog, and slipped quietly into the garage..
    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
    torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
    radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
    into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up
    to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The
    weather out there is terrible.'
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
    out fishing in that?'
    And that's when the fight started...

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The
    woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap.
    That must be my husband!'
    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
    window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to
    his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up
    to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
    And that's when the fight started....

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95..
    Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
    And that's when the fight started....


    A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
    horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
    And that's when the fight started....


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
    order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
    Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started....


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
    kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
    nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
    I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
    ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
    that long?'
    And that's when the fight started....


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
    back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my
    curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
    enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
    Security office.
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
    disability, too.'
    And that's when the fight started.....


    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
    expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
    And that's when the fight started....


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
    seconds so I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And that's when the fight started....


    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
    Christmas gift.
    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
    gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's when the fight started....
    Champagne for my real friends,Real pain for my sham friends

    My Intro

  6. #125
    Rods 'n' Sods Junkie 100ev8's Avatar
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    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
    follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone!

    2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

    3. No one is listening until you ****.

    4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else..

    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away... and you have their shoes.

    8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    10. If you lend someone £100 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

    11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

    13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement.

    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

    17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

    20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  7. #126
    Woodchipper Extraordinair HotRod's Avatar
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    A 23 stone woman is stood naked in front of the mirror trying to decide what to go to the fancy dress party as, after and hour still undecided she askes her husband, he says how about you pull your **** flaps over your head and go as a sugar puff!

  8. #127
    capriac capriac's Avatar
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    rayleigh essex
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    Jesus had just been nailed on the cross, the soldiers were standing guard when he saw his friend Peter.
    "Peter, my oldest friend, please come here, I've got something to tell you" he groaned.
    Peter started to make his way over to his Lord when the soldiers beat him to the ground and told him to stay back.
    " Peter, please, it's really important, please come to me"
    Once again Peter tried to get to his friend, the soldiers gave him a right sorting out this time breaking his legs.
    " Peter I may not have long, and this is is really important"
    Peter drags his broken body, blood all over, to the soldiers, who look at him as no threat now, so let him through. He carries on draggind himself over to where Jesus is.
    " What is it sire?" he says as he looks into his oldest friends eyes.
    " I can see your house from up here!"

  9. #128
    is currently reloading. Taff's Avatar
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    where you least expect it
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    aiming to upset as many people as possible.......
    Me and my wife are having a Stella drinking competition tonight.
    I'm going to beat her.

    Since my daughter started school she's learnt so many things. She came home today, upset, because she found out that Santa was really her Grandad. And that Santa isn't meant to 'fill children with happiness' in that way.

    My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.
    So I've killed his mum.

    Women are like a fine wine: when drunk, they are fantastic.

    A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
    The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."

    Fritzl jokes. Should they really see the light of day?
    A bullet might have your name on it, hand grenades are addressed "to whom it may concern......."

    You can never have too much red wine, too many books or too much ammunition.

  10. #129
    Legs and heels subscriber 59zody's Avatar
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    To get the full effect, the ensuing conversation should be read aloud.

    You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the Conversation.

    The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and Room-service, at a hotel in Asia , which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

    > Room Service (RS): "Morrin. - Roon sirbees."
    > Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

    > RS: " Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
    > G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
    > RS: "Ow July den?"
    > G: "What??"

    > RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
    > G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
    > RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
    > G: "Crisp will be fine."

    > RS : "Hokay.. An Sahn toes?"
    > G: "What?"
    > RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
    > G: "I don't think so."

    > RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
    > G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes''s means."
    > RS: "Toes! Toes!.....Why Jew don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
    > G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

    > RS: "We bodder?"
    > G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
    > RS: "Wad! ?"
    > G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

    > RS: "Copy?"
    > G: "Excuse me?"
    > RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
    > G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

    > RS: "One Minnie.. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on
    > Sigh and copy....rye??"
    > G: "Whatever you say."
    > RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
    > G : "You're very welcome."

    Basil brush doesnt have a look in

    no immigrants were offended by this joke

  11. #130
    Legs and heels subscriber 59zody's Avatar
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    Recently I was asked to play in a golf charity tournament.

    At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

    Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

    Then I thought...

    F**k - I could win this!

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