oh come we need more jokes ..

[matt--8]

An eskimo is driving though wales and breaks down on a country road. he gets out and open's the hood, a local see's the man and goes to help, the welsh man says "looks like your have blown a seal there mate".
the eskimo turn's to him and says "F**KOFF u shag sheep!"

matt.

[Shedster]

A man walks into a bar...








Ouch!!!




It was an iron bar......

[matt--8]

almost as bad as y did the chicken cross the road.....

[31A]

[Stitch]

“A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards the his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”.
“Lecturer" , she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality" .
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best , I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck"...Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed... “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name ?.”
“Tonto,” the man replied...........“Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

[Stitch]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some arsehole's got my pen!

[Stitch]

A rugby player is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on
His mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders around of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Rugby player just shrugs and replies, that's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a big strong rugby player and play for England . Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren'tyou the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's real ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:







'Had him circumcised...'

[matt--8]

a woman in a jewellers breaks wind bending over to look at a beautiful diamond ring. she looks round, embarrassed and sees the salesman right behind her. totally professional he says "good day madam how may i help u?"
hoping he hadn't heard her accident. she asks "sir whats the price of this lovely ring?" he answers "madam if u ****ed just looking at it,ur gonein to s**t urself when i tell u the price."

[neil harris]

bloke goes into the doctors,, he says hi doc i wonder if you can have a look at this,..zzzzzzziiiiiiiipppp lob,.. on the the table
docs says " well i cant see anything wrong with that"
patient replys "nah its a beauty aint it"

[31A]

How do you spot a Scottish drug user?

He asks for his Heroin deep fried.