The new Blonde Barmaid in my local isn't the sharpest...
When I asked for a Pint she replied "small, medium or large?"
ENJOY YOURSELF - IT'S LATER THAN YOU THINK !
Mother -in-law says to her Daughter-in-law, "How come my grandson don't look anything like my son?"
Daughter-in-law replies " I've got a fanny in between my legs, not a ****ing photocopier!"
Good deed done today, well it is Christmas!!!. This morning at the supermarket check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Gran and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Every night for the past week I've been having this nightmare where all my family are sitting round the table for Xmas dinner but there's no cranberry sauce.
It's a redcurrent dream.
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