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  1. #4121
    Official RnS Addict rockhouse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chrisb View Post
    Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
    brilliant i'm gonna nick that one thanks

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  3. #4122
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    My old man said to me once... Son I want you to have all the things I never had when I was your age.

    The ******* got me a job.

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  5. #4123
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    1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
    2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
    3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
    4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
    5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
    6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
    7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
    8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
    9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
    10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
    11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
    12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
    13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.
    It seemed very important to him that I have it.
    14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
    15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
    16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
    17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
    18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.
    19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
    20. Whiteboards are remarkable.
    21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
    If I had two brains I,d still be a halfwit

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  7. #4124
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    Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Fred."
    Fred was stunned. "I'm dead..? No, I can't be..! I've got too much to live for. Send me back..!"
    St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
    Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground ..
    A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh..? How's your first day here..?"
    "Not bad"' replied Fred the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode...!"
    "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before..?"
    "Never," said Fred.
    "Well, just relax and let it happen"' says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
    He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg..!
    He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
    He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
    "Fred, Fred...! for **** sake wake up..! You've **** the bed...!"
    If I had two brains I,d still be a halfwit

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  9. #4125
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  11. #4126
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  13. #4127
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  15. #4128
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    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.
    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
    WIFE: -- silence --
    HUSBAND: "****."

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