oh come we need more jokes ..

[Big Joe]

Leeds UTD have called for an immediate replay against Crawley Town in the FA Cup
Apparently one of the plumber in midfield is not Gas Safe registered.....

[ToddFinney]

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

Hello, is this 911?

Yes, what is your emergency?

I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

[ToddFinney]

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because she was 2².

[ToddFinney]

A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. Ashamed, he admitted he had this urge to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter, went to the psychiatrist, who told him to do it so he went ahead and did it. So he got fired immediately.

His wife in shock checked whether everything was ok with his "belongings". Everything was fine... so she asked: "What happend to the cucumber cutter?"

Worker: " I think she got fired, too!"

[Torment]

Pubs are reopening on February 30th..

[ToddFinney]

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our ladies are booked up tonight. But for just $5, you can go to the back room and **** a chicken”.

Seeing as he drove all this way, Steve decided to take the offer, ****ed the chicken, and drove home.

The next day, feeling unaccomplished, he decides to drive down to the brothel again to make up for the night before.

When he arrives, he is told once again that all of the ladies are booked for the night. Instead of a chicken, the owner offered to let him watch two dwarfs have sex in the back room for $5. Once again, he accepts the offer.

He enters the room to see two dwarfs having sex, with a few other spectators. After some time passes, he turns to the man next to him and says “is it just me, or is this kind of weird”?

The man replies “You think THIS is weird? Yesterday we watched a guy **** a chicken”!

[ToddFinney]

A man goes to the doctor...

“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.

The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“

“I DON’T KNOW, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, CAN YOU FIND THE REASON?“ the man shouts back.

So the doctor examines the man, and after a while concludes that somehow, the man’s large penis is causing the shouting, he says so and the man agrees to a reduction procedure.

But after a while, the man finds himself lacking in the bedroom department and goes back to the doctor and asks him to stitch the rest of his penis back on.

“NO I THREW IT AWAY!“ the doctor shouts.

[ToddFinney]

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this odd so he mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christian's. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how they all returned as Christians.

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd I sent . . ."

[mygasser]

a young man turns 18 and decides it's time to change his life. he'd always been obsessed with tractors of any kind with posters on his bedroom wall of all the best by john deere, ford etc etc. so he rips down all the posters and along with all his model tractors throws them in the bin. he buys himself new clothes and looking much more grown up goes to the pub for a beer and to see if he can find a girlfriend. he opens the pub door and inside is full of smoke which he can't stand. so he takes a large breath of air from inside drawing out all the smoke and blows it outside. he then walks up to the bar and orders a pint. the barman is amazed by what he's just seen and asks the man how he did it? ''oh that's easy'' he replies, ''i'm an ex tractor fan.''

[mattblack]

A Yorkshireman goes to church every Sunday for 20 years and prays 'Please God, let me win the lottery'

Eventually, one Sunday a voice booms down from the heavens 'For ****'s sake, meet me half way. Buy a ticket'