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  1. #41
    is currently reloading. Taff's Avatar
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    a set of jumpleads go into a pub.
    the landlord says to the:-
    "i'll serve you, just don't start anything........"

    a ham sandwich goes into the pub, and asks for a drink
    the landlord says:-
    "sorry, we don't serve food........."

    a polo and an extra-strong mint are in the pub, having a quiet pint
    in walks a fishermans friend
    Polo turns to extra strong mint and says:-
    "watch out for him, he's fu**ing menthol....."


    i'll get my cloak
    A bullet might have your name on it, hand grenades are addressed "to whom it may concern......."

    You can never have too much red wine, too many books or too much ammunition.

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  3. #42
    I'm a grown up member now ! Rich48's Avatar
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    A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

    The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

    After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blonde woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

  4. #43
    Rods 'n' Sods Junkie Jovial Prankster's Avatar
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    "It's still not weird enough for me....."

  5. #44
    is currently reloading. Taff's Avatar
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    the MP's expense scandal escalated today, when it was revealed that David Blunket had claimed for a plasma Tv, a motorbike, a handglider and a set of binoculars
    A bullet might have your name on it, hand grenades are addressed "to whom it may concern......."

    You can never have too much red wine, too many books or too much ammunition.

  6. #45
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    Talkingjoke

    have you ever noticed that when an actor dies they show all his/her films on telly...............i hope clint eastwood dies soon....i love his films

  7. #46
    Official RnS Addict jim351's Avatar
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    maths teacher asks an Essex girl, "wot comes after 69?" Essex girl replies, "you wash ur face and rince ur mouth out with Listerine.....duh!"
    Rock n Roll's been going down hill ever since Buddy Holly died.....

  8. #47
    Semi Proffessional Prat sidspop's Avatar
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    Scientists have recently discovered that there is a genetic link between women and prawns. The heads are both full of **** but the pink bits taste nice,

  9. #48
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    A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him

    He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

    St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

    'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

    'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

    'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

    St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

    'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

    'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

  10. #49
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    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

    When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

    "You Sign! You sign!"

    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

    "You Sign! You sign!"

    Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

    The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

    When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

    He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

    "You sign! You sign!"

    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

    "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hehears a knock on the door again.

    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting aclipboard under his nose, shouting,

    "You sign! You sign!"

    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Manby his shirt front and yells at him:

    "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:






    (It's a beauty)




    (Wait for it)




    (Get your best Chinese accent ready)



















    scroll down please








    "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

  11. #50
    It's me! col33's Avatar
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    Smile

    I went to the doctors last week. I said " I think I'm going a little deaf " he says can you describe the symptoms, " no probs " says I, Homer is the fat one that drinks Duff beer and Marge is the one with the tall blue hair! "
    24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, just a coincidence? I don't think so!

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