I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time.
It was absolute carnage.
so my wife's in labour screaming & shouting 'gimme gas gimme pain killers' she looked straight at me & said "you did this to me you *******" so i said if you recall i wonted to stick it up your bum but YOU said that would be to painfull !!
One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something".
She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?"
He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health."
To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going.
When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me!
And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a friging jinx!"
a farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says............this is the pig i have to make love to wen your not up for sex....his wife says..i think you,ll find thats a sheep......he says..i think you,ll find i was talking to the sheep..
was in asda today with 2 full trollies of booze and my weeks shopping...when a little old lady got behind me in the queue......she only had a pint of milk..so i said,is that all uve got love?.she replied yes..so i did the decsent thing and said,,if i were u id fk off to another till im gonna be ages
A bloke goes to the doctor and says -"Doctor, My turds keep coming out in cubes".
So the doctor says "Take your trousers off so I can examine you"
The patient winces, expecting something painfull and emarassing.
"I need to make an incision here, here and here and that should cure it".
And the bloke says "I didn't feel a thing what did you do"
"I cut six inches off the bottom of your string vest"
The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
Hello mum, guess what? he says I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me!
Wonderful, says his mum, Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing football!
The young lad is very upset. What can I say mum, but I am so sorry.
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first Place.
Racing is Life---anything else is just waiting. Steve McQueen
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