The Book of Covidicus. New Testament.
Chapter 1, Verses 1 to 11
And it came to pass that a second plague was visited upon the land of the long white racist, and the populous were once more sore afraid and ordered to travel to, and remain at, their places of rest.
The chosen one had been beavering away at his rod of heat between plagues, both at his place of toil and his place of habitation and had made the chassis of much beauty roll upon it’s wheels of alloy. He had also practiced in the black art of electrickery.
Yet he was still unfulfilled and once more prayed in earnest. “Lord,” he said, “I have been attempting to complete my rod of heat, but my toil of remuneration is fraught with many hours and much busyness and my family are much demanding on the sabbath, how can I get the time I need to make the bodywork as flat as the chest of a supermodel and ready for it’s coatings of much shinyness?”
The Lord was much flustered, as if waking from a long sleep or recovering from a massive session with the triple breasted whore of Eroticon V, but soon replied, “My Son, I see there is another plague visited upon your area of habitation, and Saint Cindy has once more closed all trading places (except supermarkets, small food shops, newsagents, petrol stations, garages and other essential services) to stop the spread of the plague. This should give you the time you need to get the bodywork yet flat.”
“Thank you Lord.”
“Don’t thank me. This time it was the Indians.”
So the chosen one ventured forth to the place where his rod of heat was resting, and he ground out the hastily applied body filler on the roof (for that show of rods of heat he took it to in 2019), and he re-shaped the roof using many abrasives including at least two tools of rotary abrasion, and he did smite the roof panel using at least two smiting sticks, but limited the smityness by holding a dolly of base metal above and below the smiting. He then applied a much thinner layer of filler and readied to once more smooth it down using abrasives as Joseph would have used planes on wood. But he did not take graven images of the process as he deemed the work not fit to share with his disciples yet.
“Lord, it has been not two days of confinement and I have already made good progress with the body of my rod of heat, and produced enough dust to shame Deuteronomy 28:24-26 (Google it!), but I fear my disciples will turn away from my musings if I do not post graven images of something.”
The Lord was momentarily pensive. “Chosen one,” he said, “Remember ye those closing panels you made to go behind the wheel tubs in the boot of your rod of heat?” “The ones that have breathers for the fuel tank and axle on the left and recess for fuel pump relays and fuses on the right?” Replied the chosen one. “The very ones.” Said the Lord, “Venture forth to your storage shelves, look these parts out and apply a measuring stick to both of them.”
So the chosen one did indeed venture forth, found the panels that the Lord had spoken off and applied a measuring stick to both and was yet shocked to discover that one of them was engorged by at least 10 millibushels, so he did cut and re-weld both panels with alloys and electric glue to ensure their conformity to each other. And whilst he was at it he made a better relay and fuse housing with fine relay blocks and fuse holders from the East (Alibaba and the several thieves!), and he looked at what he had done and he was pleased.
And so the plague continued, and showed no sign of abating until next Tuesday midnight when Saint Cindy would announce either freedom from confinement, or continuation thereof.
So it came to pass that the chosen one, having no remunerated toil, continued to toil on the body of his rod of heat, smoothing out the undulations that resembled the contours of Mount Sinai. He continued smiting, applying two part plastic smoothness and caressing the body with his block of length and many, many sheets of varying abrasion.
Yet the chosen one would still not take graven images of his toil, nor publish them on the web of net. “Lord,” he said, “The body of my rod of heat is progressing towards the smoothness of a mill pond as I desire, but the toil is arduous and long. I fear my disciples will abandon me and follow another messiah who publishes his bodily smoothness in this very place.”
“Worry ye not!” Stateth the Lord, “Thy disciples are fickle and resemble the magpie in the forest, searching out only images of shiny things. I suggest ye ponder on the things you can make quickly from alloys of metal and electric glue, then publish ye pictures of these things to appease thy disciples.”
So the chosen one pondered on things of much shinyness and skill that could be published in images, and the first thing he pondered was the fuse and relay box which resided within the box of gloves. He had made this some time ago and it was indeed one of the few things that had not been reimagined in the construction of his rod of heat.
And the chosen one did take his fuse and relay panel, and he did re-design it that the electrickery wiring would not be seen within the box of glove, but be carefully organised behind it. The relays and fuses would be accessible to both the eye and hand, but the wires not.
So the chosen one took up his tool of rotary abrasion and he did slice into the box of glove and it’s panel of metal alloys, then he did take up his gun of electric glue and made a nice retainer for the relay blocks from the Far East. Then he took up his tool of rotary abrasion once more and did cut a rectangle below the relay panel so that the fuse box could be mounted from behind the panel. This way, when the time came to apply electrickery wires the panel could be pre-wired, and fitted without issue after the box of gloves had a coating of much smoothness and shininess.
And the Lord looked down upon the fuse and relay panel, and he saw that it was good (but not quite finished yet!)
And the chosen one said unto the Lord, “My disciples will be rejoicing.” “Rest ye not on thy laurels Chosen one. Thy disciples are going to need a bit more than that.”
So the chosen one returned once more to his room of fabrication, and he did take up his tools of rotary abrasion, his smiting sticks and his gun of electric glue and he did make a small panel that fittieth next to the steering column and had within it provision for a plug to take the curly lead from the line-lock switch on the steering wheel and also had provision for a nozzle of conflagration extinguishing that pointeth at the chosen one’s feet and legs.
And the Lord said, “Chosen one, although these assemblies of metal alloys are finished not, thy disciples will truly be able to see thy intentions.”
And the chosen one was elated and retired for his repast. Here endeth the second chapter.
And the disciples did unto the Lord pray and beg he make the chosen one use his box of many pixels to capture images of the bodywork that is as flat as a supermodels chest (with nipples???) as they are truly vexed at the barrenness of the book of Covidicus of such delights.
Thay are temporarily distracted as Magpies with shiny trinkets, but will soon be tempted by the devil himself to look elsewhere if graven images of bodies are not forthcoming.
As work on the body of his rod of heat progressed the chosen one noticed that he was smiting less, and the pot of chemical smoothness that had been mixed and applied was now largely laying as dust upon the barren ground of the place of his rod of heat.
Yet although his heart was elated with joy at the developing smoothness of his rod of heat, it was also filled with sorrow for the disappointment that his disciples would feel with still no graven images to worship.
“Lord,” he cried once more, “Lead me that I might temporarily placate my disciples.”
And the Lord said, “Chosen one. Go forth once more to thy place of mechanical tinkerage and seek out the creations of metal alloys that ye made not two moons ago. Make these parts pleasing to the eye, but coat them not in coverings of shinyness.”
“Satin black?” Asked the Chosen one, “The rodders friend!”
This displeased the Lord, “Chosen one, have ye contracted the Chinese plague (Indian variant) and lost all taste? Coat them not with satin black, instead use coatage of much wrinklage. Make them resemble the wrinkles in the face of Methuselah.”
So the chosen one did as he was bid, and he did scour the surfaces of the creations of metal alloys that he had made, then he did apply alcohol to remove the devil’s grease, followed by coats of much wrinklage. And after the prescribed waiting time and application of a gun of heat he saw that they were good.
“Now,” saith the Lord, “assemble thy wrinkly creations using fixings of steel that feel no stains, and wires of many strands and many colours fused into terminals of brass with leaded tin.”
And the chosen one did the Lords bidding, and once the creations were fixed together using steel that feel no stains he did tidy the wires of many strands and many colours using ties of plastic.
And the Lord looked to the chosen one and nodded, and he knew that it was good.
The Chosen one's toil was interrupted as the vessel of plastic smoothness became as empty as the widow's vessels in the tale of the prophet Elisha, and with the country locked down due to the Chinese plague (Indian variant) he could not venture to the market and procure more.
"Lord," he said, "I have ordered more on the net of web to be delivered by a messenger of materials, but the consignment has been delayed. I fear it has been Dropped Hidden Lost, but perhaps it will be delivered Tomorrow Not Today."
"Let us hope it is not Undelivered Presumed Stolen." Chuckleth the Lord.
My messenger of materials left 2 of my gifts of exhaustiveness at the office of postal , will have to gird my lions and mount my trusted beast of burden from the Himalayas (Skoda Yeti) and make the pilgrimage to see the keeper of messages and artefacts and pray she looks on my papyrus of collection with goodness. Also have to go to the shop of Smyth to collect some steel of sheet of some thickness (2 mm) and then onto the shop of hardware to get a tube of gassiness for the torch of blowing .
1. Alas the messenger of materials was not forthcoming with another receptacle of plastic smoothness which had caused much delay in the body repairs of the chosen one’s rod of heat.
2. “Lord,” said the Chosen one, “lead me in my toils. The body of my rod of heat is not yet smooth enough to please thine eyes, yet I fear that awaiting the messenger of materials will be a waste of my skills.”
3. The Lord rolled his eyes, “Chosen one,” he said, “Search out thy thrones of comfort that will be fixed to thy rod of heat, then cover them in the thinnest papyrus that thee may transfer their shape thereon. Take the papyrus and transfer the resulting shapes to a material that is strong yet pleasing to the eye. Then stitch these to finest muslin with a material that is soft yet firm between the two.”
4. The chosen one did as he was bid, and once he had stitched the hide-like material to muslin with a soft yet firm layer between he saw that his thrones of chariot control would be good. “Lord,” he said, “These are going to look as the testicles of a canine.”
5. “Not yet, chosen one, first ye must stitch in a pattern of gemstones that the Israelites took with them at the time of the exodus. These should be formed using 60 and 120 degree angles that they appear uniform to the eye. Yet stitch these not by hand, instead use a machine of much frustration using threads of strength.”
6. The chosen one again did as he was bid, and then he sewed plain panels around the patterned panels and he saw that it was good.
7. But at this time the messenger of materials did arrive and did deliver a receptacle of chemical smoothness that the Chosen one could finish the panel of his rod of heat that he was working on.
8. And once that panel was truly smooth and had a pleasing shape the chosen one did take graven images of it that he may placate the bullying disciples that insisteth on such things, even though it resembleth a cartograph of the Holy Land.
9. “Lord,” he said, “I am weary and need to rest.” And the Lord looked down on him, and he saw that he had indeed completed more work than he would have done at his place of remunerated toil. “Chosen one,” he said, “Enjoy thy repast and rest that ye be refreshed for continuation of thy toils at the next rising of the sun.”
And the chosen one's disciples did fall upon thier knees and did worship at the alter of the graven images of the chosen ones body of his rod of heat that was now smoother than a supermodels chest.
There was much rejoicing and such excitement that seed was spread across the land.
1. Once the Chosen one had enjoyed his respite, he ventured once more to the place of his rod of heat and surveyed the smoothness of the panels.
2. “Lord,” he said, “Truly I am overjoyed with the smoothness that I have achieved, but what should I do now to protect and improve upon it?”
3. “Chosen one,” boometh the Lord, “Taketh some liquid covering and apply it to thy panels using a device of compressed propellant. Use not a bright liquid that resulteth in a shiny finish, instead use a drab colour that dryeth to a matt finish. Apply ye many coats of this covering that thee may then flat thy panels back to achieve an even smoother finish before ye ultimately coat it in a plasticised covering of much shinyness and durability.”
4. So the chosen one did venture back to his rod of heat, but as the weather was inclement he wanted not to move his shiny two wheeled chariot of much velocity that shared habitation with his rod of heat into the precipitation that covered the land, so instead of using his device of compressed propellant he used a roller made of hide stripped from many nylons and applied many coats of drab liquid covering to his panels.
5. “OK, I guess that will do as thee will have to yet reflat the finish.” Sayeth the Lord, “Now educate me in the progress of thy thrones of comfort.”
6. “Verily Lord I have partaken in much toil on my thrones of comfort. I have made more papyrus patterns that I can complete the coverings, and I have covered the two thrones in dissimilar coverings.”
7. “But why, Chosen one, thy thrones are like Esau and Jacob in their similarity. Why have thee covered them in dissimilar ways?”
8. “Lord,” sayeth the Chosen one, “Indeed the belts of safety differ between my throne and that of my passenger for my throne has a fifth strap to cause pain in my betrothement vegetables.”
9. “They do look a bit creased Chosen one, can thou not make them smooth as thy panel work?”
10. “Indeed Lord. Unfortunately my stock of material that is soft yet firm is as barren as the Dead Sea and cannot be replenished until thy plague has passed. Additionally the coverings of beauty will be more stretched when they are affixed permanently but this cannot be done until the thrones themselves are affixed to my rod of heat.”
11. “I see, but as I am omnipotent this should come as no surprise." Sayeth the Lord, "Also, as I keep telling thee, the plague came from China (via India) and t’was not a work of mine hands.”
1. “Chosen one,” calleth the Lord, “I have not heard from you three days since. Have you been in neglect of the toils on your rod of heat?”
2. “No Lord,” replyeth the Chosen one, “I have been most productive in the three risings of the sun since we last spoke, but my toils have resulted in more yet unfinished projects.”
3. “How so?” Queryeth the Lord, “Surely the necessary toils on your rod of heat are many and varied and will continue for many moons to come.”
4. “Indeed Lord. I have toiled many hours on the body of my rod of heat. The roof panel on the drivers side cometh along nicely, and I did strip all of the previous coatings from the scuttle panel and expose virgin metal, then did coat this in drab but thick coating using an applicator of the finest sable.”
5. “But what of the interior comfortings that ye were toiling so hard on?” Enquireth the Lord.
6. “Verily Lord I have been toiling on interior comforts for my rod of heat. I have made panels for the covering of my box of speed (and direction) selection using a machine of automatic stitching but much frustration, but I have exhausted my vessels of propelled liquid adhesive so cannot finish and fit the coverings I have made.”
7. “Chosen one, why maketh excuses thus? Simply exchange some groats from thy remunerated toil for more material that is soft, yet firm, and the propelled liquid adhesive to attach same.” Sayeth the Lord.
8. “Unfortunately that avenue is not open to me Lord,” replyeth the Chosen one, “Thy markets are closed for such things due to the plague that thee have visited across the land, and although many things are available to ‘click and collect’, material that is soft yet firm and propelled liquid adhesive are not considered ‘essential items’ in this age.”
9. The Lord was perplexed, “I keep telling you Chosen one, it was the Chinese (Indian variant) that visited the plague to your land, (that and the borders not being properly closed by Saint Cindy). Is there nothing you have completed that will satiate the needs of thy disciples?”
10. “I have made a gaiter for the selector of speed and direction Lord.” Sayeth the Chosen one.
1. “Lord” calleth the Chosen one, “I have been toiling daily on my rod of heat, and after almost a whole week’s worth of toil (including the sabbath) the remaining part of the roof is indeed as smooth as a supermodel’s chest.”
2. “Indeed,” replyeth the Lord, “Why has it taken so long, Chosen one?”
3. “The roof panel on the driver’s side required much smiting with smiting sticks of metal alloys and latex derivatives as it resembled the mountainous Himalayas, Lord, but not only did it require smiting and many applications of plastic smoothness, it also has to resemble the side yet completed which resulted in much more checking, smiting and smoothing.”
4. “So now it is smooth and exudes symmetry?” Enquireth the Lord.
5. “It is smooth, Lord,” Replyeth the Chosen one, “And symmetrical as the twins Romulus and Remus. I have also applied more drab coating using my roller made from the skins of many nylons.”
6. “You have done well, Chosen one, and thy roof is much pleasing to my sight.” Sayeth the Lord, “But surely there must be much more smoothing to be done to thy panels?”
7. “Indeed Lord. My toils have extended to the rear quarter panel which has been smited verily and layers of plastic smoothness applied in readiness for final smoothing and application of a drab coating.” Sayeth the Chosen one, “Maybe tomorrow.”
8. “And what of thy interior comforts. Is there news?”
9. “Yes Lord,” Answereth the Chosen one, “I have found a trader who is prepared to send me more propelled adhesion on a messenger, but alas he arriveth not.”
10. “Check ye thy box of messenger delivery, and if thy faith is true thy propelled adhesion will be within.”
1. “Lord,” sayeth the Chosen one, “I have toiled long and hard on the side of my rod of heat, but the quarter panel giveth me much grief.”
2. “Blessed are those that mourn.” Sayeth the Lord.
3. “Lord, that helpeth not. I have smited the panel as many times as ‘fear not’ appeareth in the bible, and applied as many applications of plastic smoothness as the colours on Joseph’s coat, but still I am displeased with the shape and smoothness.”
4. “Chosen one, take thee thy gun of electrical heat generation and make the panel as hot as hades. Then taketh a muslin soaked in cool water from the spring and applyeth it to the panel. Ye will see that the panel shrinketh to a more pleasing appearance.” Adviseth the Lord.
5. So the Chosen one did as the Lord had advised, and he did heat and cool the panel many times, and smiteth it many times and apply yet more plastic smoothness until he rejoiced in the shape of the panel.
6. Then he did take his tool of rotary abrasion and he did bare the metal around the orifice of ingress and egress, and the front panel, and around the orifice of forward vision and the step panel.
7. Then he did applyeth more plastic smoothness and did rub the whole side out using his block of length and smaller blocks of sand. And then the Chosen one looked and he saw that it was good.
8. “Lord,” he sayeth, “Guide me in my next toil for I am weary and hungry.”
9. “Chosen one,” replyeth the Lord, “Before thee retire to thy repast, thou must coat the exposed metal to keep out the demon oxide.”
10. So the chosen one once more took up his roller of many nylon skins, and he did apply many coats to the exposed areas, and those he had shaped and smoothed, and after many turns of the sand-timer he was satiated and joyous.
11. “Chosen one, thy rod of heat doth truly look worthy being all in one hue for the first time. Thou hast earned thy repast, but relax ye not as thee still has the other side to bare, smooth and coat!”
12. And the chosen one smileth, knowing that what he had done was good
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