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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"


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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"


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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"


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Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"


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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery..

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
 

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paddy's top 5 chat up lines

1 did ya fart = cause you just blew me away

2 are your parents retarded? = because you are special

3 my love for you is like diarrhoea = i just can't hold it in

4 your body reminds me of a spanner = every time i think of you my nuts tighten up

5 you might not be the best looking girl in here = but beauty is only a light switch away..


paddy is sitting trying to catch fish through the ice when he hears a loud booming voice say "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE"paddy says"be-jesus holy mother of christ is dat you yorself ther god?
the voice booms back" NO YOU THICK IRISH BASTARD ITS THE ICE RINK MAMAGER!"..
 

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Bob says to paddy please keep your windows and curtains closed when your making love to your wife in future,all the street were out side laughing at all the noises you were both making.

Paddy replies well the jokes on them I was'nt at home yesterday.
 

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Paddy walks into Boots The Chemist


"Oid loike to by som deoderant" says Paddy






"Ball type?" Enquires the assistant





"No" says Paddy






"For under me arms......"




I'll get me coat.....................
 

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Mick and Paddy waiting to go on a roller coaster. Micks turns to Paddy and says: "Paddy, if we go on this roller coaster, and it turns upside down, will we fall out?".
"Don't be stupid Mick, we've been mates for years" says Paddy!
 

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Paddy and Mick are watching a documentary about SCUBA diving.
Paddy asks, "Why is it that they always fall backwards out of the boat?"
Mick replies, "You daft eejit, if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat!"
 

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Not an actual joke but relevent all the same,
A group of my mates went to Dublin for a stag weekend, one mate (let's call him Roger) went though security at the airport and set the alarm off Roger explained to the security guy that it was because he had artificial legs (he does) the security guy then asked him if. He could take his legs off and walk though again!
I kid you not:rofl:
 
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