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Discussion Starter #1
lifes dull enough so here goes

bloke goes into the doctors and says to doc i wonder if you can have a look at my foot..
He lobs it on the table and the doctor sayS " im sorry my freind but thats not a foot"
to which patient replies ,nope ! but its a good 11 inches aint it ...:pmsl:

gets me every time ... sorry..
 

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In the vain hope of lifting the tone a little.....


It seems they're showing the Flintstones now in the Middle East. The people in Dubai don't get the humour but the people in Abu Dhabi do
 

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Discussion Starter #4
oh come we need more jokes

hahahahah ... ace.

big gay julian goes to the doctor with bum issues,,
doc says i want you to go home and consume 20 oranges 14 ltrs of prune juice, 30 apples ,ten bowls of all bran,six pound of grapes,4lb of raisins,10 oranges and a large box of museli
julian replies to the doctor " oh great will it make me well again ,
the doc replies " NO!!! but itll give you a better indication for what your ass is for,....:pmsl:
 

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well if you are a landlord and have house for rent, you can get some strange questions. qoutes from some letters:

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Our neigbour's 8 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cant' bath the children until it is
cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,
so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC2.

pascal
 
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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE". He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f*****g funeral director would be my first guess."
 

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How many Country and Western singers does it take to put in a light bulb?

6, one to put the bulb in and 5 to sing a song about how good the old one was!!! :D
 

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A guy I work with thought he had caught the Mexican flu.

On calling the Swine Flu helpline, all he could hear was crackling..............
 

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An eskimo is driving though wales and breaks down on a country road. he gets out and open's the hood, a local see's the man and goes to help, the welsh man says "looks like your have blown a seal there mate".
the eskimo turn's to him and says "F**KOFF u shag sheep!" :D

matt.
 

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“A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards the his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”.
“Lecturer" , she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality" .
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best , I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern *******"...Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed... “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name ?.”
“Tonto,” the man replied...........“Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
 

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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some arsehole's got my pen!
 

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One for Bryan

A rugby player is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on
His mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders around of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Rugby player just shrugs and replies, that's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a big strong rugby player and play for England . Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren'tyou the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's real ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:

'Had him circumcised...'
 

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a woman in a jewellers breaks wind bending over to look at a beautiful diamond ring. she looks round, embarrassed and sees the salesman right behind her. totally professional he says "good day madam how may i help u?"
hoping he hadn't heard her accident. she asks "sir whats the price of this lovely ring?" he answers "madam if u farted just looking at it,ur gonein to s**t urself when i tell u the price." :D
 

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Discussion Starter #19
oh come we need more jokes

bloke goes into the doctors,, he says hi doc i wonder if you can have a look at this,..zzzzzzziiiiiiiipppp lob,.. on the the table
docs says " well i cant see anything wrong with that"
patient replys "nah its a beauty aint it":lol:
 
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