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Dr Penetration
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392 Posts
Why shouldn't you fuck a dwarf with downs syndrome??












Because its not big and its not clever !!
 

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Rods n Sods is Funkie
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419 Posts
I recently purchaced a 4 foot condom from a mail order cat.
it was delivered today at 7am. so i took it to work and put it
on my head. My boss said i looked like a BIG KNOB. I said
good im fed up with you calling me a LITTLE C**T
 

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Legs and heels subscriber
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751 Posts
President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time"


The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:


"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"


Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks:


What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"


The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.


But he just stares at it.


"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"






"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

Fk me Nick Griffin just told me that there is 1 zero too many :shock:
 

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548 Posts
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of tea in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the colony she is the one who can eat the last donut.
 

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548 Posts
Do you want to join the Alzheimers protest march? if so learn the chant, what do we want? I dont know, when do we want it? want what?.
 

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548 Posts
An irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex, doctors removed two nokias three motorolas and a samsung no siemen was found.
 

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548 Posts
Driving in the snow is like eating pussy if you dont slow down and pay attention you could slide into the arsehole in front of you.
 

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548 Posts
Former president bush and tony blair are at a meeting of the united nations when the leader of the united arab emirates come over and asks mr bush in my country we love your series star trek but tell me in it you have americans, scottish, chinese, africans and even people from other planets but no arabs why is this george bush looks at him and replies thats because its set in the future.
 

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Semi Proffessional Prat
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3,489 Posts
Drive thru cashpoint machines


Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "drive thru" cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that refers to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the 1st time.

MALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Wind down your car window.

3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.

4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5) Wind up window.

6) Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine.

3) Restart the stalled engine.

4) Wind down the window.

5) Find handbag,remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6) Turn the radio down.

7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.

8) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car.

9) Insert card.

10) Re-insert card the right way up.

11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12) Enter PIN

13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN

14) Enter amount of cash required.

15) Check make up in rear view mirror.

16) Retrieve cash and receipt.

17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19) Recheck make up again.

20) Drive forward 2 metres.

21) Reverse back to cash machine.

22) Retrieve card

23) Re-empty handbag,locate card holder and place card into slot provided.

24) Restart stalled engine and proceed.

25) Drive for 2-3 miles.

26) Release handbrake.
 

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271 Posts
2 little brothers came down for breakfast.
dad says to the older brother what do you want for breakfast. he replies fucking cornflakes. The dad says your grounded and get back to your room with no breakfast. He turns to his younger son and asks what do you want for breakfast. he replies i don't want fucking cornflakes.
 

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Legs and heels subscriber
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751 Posts
*amazing simple home remedies just for men*

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

All courtesy of reading The Viz for years...
 

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Legs and heels subscriber
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751 Posts
gordon brown

I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week.

What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one ?

:pmsl::pmsl::pmsl:
 

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Legs and heels subscriber
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751 Posts
get some paddy and **** jokes up.

Paddy and **** walking down a street in London.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "****, Look!
We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune.
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay?
Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us.
I'll speak in my best English accent.' 'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says ****.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each.

I'll back up my truck and ......." The owner of the shop interrupts,
"You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy.
"How d' y' know dat?"
The owner says,
"This is a dry cleaners."
 
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