[ToddFinney]

As we left the restaurant, she whispered to me "We should have dinner again."

I said, "No thanks, I'm full"

 

[ToddFinney]

In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens.

In Detroit, you ignore both.

 

[ToddFinney]

My wife tried to choke me during sex...

Then she went after my girlfriend.

 

[chrisb]

 

[ToddFinney]

I have a phobia of German sausages...

Yes, I fear the wurst.

 

[ToddFinney]

Little Johnny’s dad asked if Little Johnny wanted to play a game...

Little Johnny asked, “What game is it”?

His Dad replied saying “For the next hour, sit on the front porch, count how many blue cars drive-by”.

And he sent little Johnny off to the front porch with a lollipop and promptly went to the bedroom.

“Dad! Bobby’s parents are having sex!” Shouted Little Johnny.

“How would you know that?” Shouted his dad from the bedroom.

“He’s sitting on his front porch with a lollipop, counting blue cars!” Little Johnny shouted back.

 

[ToddFinney]

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

 

[ToddFinney]

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family...

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

 

[ToddFinney]

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

 

[ToddFinney]

A little old lady goes to the pharmacy...

She walks up to the counter and says, ”My husband is getting older and having a little trouble in the bedroom. We heard about some little blue pills that can help. What are those called again?”

The pharmacist says, “That would be Viagra, ma'am. They’re really quite brilliant. I take them myself.”

“Really, you don't say. Can you get it over the counter?” she asks.

The pharmacist says, “Probably if I took two of them."

 

[chrisb]

 

[rockhouse]

thats funny

 

[ToddFinney]

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

 

[ToddFinney]

My wife just told me she didn't understand the science behind cloning.

I replied, "that makes two of us."

 

[ToddFinney]

I have three tips to get a bigger penis...

I’m just trying to figure out what’s the best way to attach them.

 

[ToddFinney]

An electrician comes home late.

Wife: Wire you insulate?

Electrician: Watt? I'm ohm now, ain't I?

 

[ToddFinney]

Farmer: How many cows got out?

Me: Seventeen.

Farmer: Well, round 'em up.

Me: Okay, it's twenty then.

 

[ToddFinney]

I was woken late last night about 3 AM by my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs, and high heel boots, asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, "F**k off, Gary! I’ve got work in the morning."

 

[mygasser]

I was woken late last night about 3 AM by my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs, and high heel boots, asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, "F**k off, Gary! I’ve got work in the morning."

that's the first one i can say ''that's an oldie''. you're doing good.

 

[ToddFinney]

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order...

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name.