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Speaking of which, why not try wearing two different deodorants, one in each armpit?

I think it's great, but that’s just my two scents.
 

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A woman went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her boyfriend some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she's looking for.

The woman says, "I'm looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I'm not exactly sure what kind he uses."

The clerk asks, "Well is it the ball type or aerosol?"

"Oh, no no," she replied. "It's for his armpits."
 

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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
 

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I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump...

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges.
 

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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of the paws, while the comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
 

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Boat rental manager over the loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two-hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over the loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?
 

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I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of Coke and a candy bar...

Nowadays, they have cameras everywhere.
 

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A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”
 

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A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that candle, I have given birth to two pairs of twins and a set of triplets, and now I am pregnant with quadruplets!" She then gives the priest a plane ticket to Rome.

"You are too kind," says the priest. "You don't need to thank me."

"I'm not thanking you," says the woman. "I just want you to blow out that candle."
 
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