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What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician?

A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.
 

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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" She yelled. I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted but I was keeping the umbrella.
 

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 

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Math Teacher: Your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you have all the correct answers.

Later at Home: I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken.
 

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What's the difference between your mother, and your father's hamster tube?

One's a fat prostitute and the other's a fat prostate chute.
 
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