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a set of jumpleads go into a pub.
the landlord says to the:-
"i'll serve you, just don't start anything........"

a ham sandwich goes into the pub, and asks for a drink
the landlord says:-
"sorry, we don't serve food........."

a polo and an extra-strong mint are in the pub, having a quiet pint
in walks a fishermans friend
Polo turns to extra strong mint and says:-
"watch out for him, he's fu**ing menthol....."


i'll get my cloak
 

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A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blonde woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
 

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the MP's expense scandal escalated today, when it was revealed that David Blunket had claimed for a plasma Tv, a motorbike, a handglider and a set of binoculars
 

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joke

have you ever noticed that when an actor dies they show all his/her films on telly...............i hope clint eastwood dies soon....i love his films:incheek:
 

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maths teacher asks an Essex girl, "wot comes after 69?" Essex girl replies, "you wash ur face and rince ur mouth out with Listerine.....duh!"
 

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Scientists have recently discovered that there is a genetic link between women and prawns. The heads are both full of shit but the pink bits taste nice,
 

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A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
 

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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hehears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting aclipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Manby his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:






(It's a beauty)




(Wait for it)




(Get your best Chinese accent ready)



















scroll down please








"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
 

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I went to the doctors last week. I said " I think I'm going a little deaf " he says can you describe the symptoms, " no probs " says I, Homer is the fat one that drinks Duff beer and Marge is the one with the tall blue hair! "
 

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So....

A Fairy Godmother is wandering thru the park when she see's 2 statues of a naked man and a naked woman beckoning to each other.

Feeling in a good mood she decides to bring them to life for one hour so they can have a little 'fun'

She tells them they have one hour and off they run, in to the bushes, hopping and skipping like two teenagers.

The FGM carries on her walk in the park, half an hour later as she heads down a path she car hears laughing and giggling and she can't help but take a peak.

As she parts the bush with her hands, she sees the man giving the lady a pigeon.

"Right" he says "this time you hold the little b*stard and I'll sh*t on its head!!!"
 

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Man says to his wife "you should start washing ya knickers in slim fast, then you might lose ya fat arse"
Next day the man puts on his pants & theres all white powder in them. Says to the wife "have you put talkum powder in my pants" ?
She says no, its miricle grow !! :pmsl:
 

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Little Johnny gets a telly for his bedroom. Next day he comes downstairs & asks 'Dad, whats love juice' ?
Dad looks horrified & tells Johnny all about sex. Johnny just sits there with his mouth open in amazment.
Days says 'So what was you watching' ?
'Wimbledon' says Johnny !
:D
 

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Discussion Starter #54
another joke

sent this on my mobile the other day ..

whilst clearing peter andreas stuff from the shed , katie shouts hang on peter youve forgot ure spade ,to which peter replies u can f--k off hes not mine ..... eerrr

ouch ..bit naughty but made me giggle ..sorry if it offends .:eek:
 

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New meaning to the word DickHead

New meaning to the word DickHead

The Penis Wants a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment.

6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to diseases.

------

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for
the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-lookingbags.

Sincerely, Management

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5 reasons not to be a penis:

1. You're bald your whole life.

2. You have a hole in your head.

3. Your neighbors are nuts.

4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

Bob.............
 

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. I t ook her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Arab bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
 

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I bought my girlfriend a massive helium baloon for her birthday.
That didn't go down well.

:tumbleweed:
 
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