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A man goes into a dentist office late one winters night and as he enters the waiting room he starts crashing around. After a few mintues the dentist comes out to find out what is going on.
He asks the man "what the hell is wrong with you" ?
....the man replies "I think I'm a moth".
...the dentist replies, "well you need to see a Dr, this is a dentist's office"
to which the man replies " I know that but I couldnt help myself, I HAD to come in as the light was on"
 

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Just posted elesewhere but worth a re-post in its correct place! :D

An old Rancher is approaching his 70th birthday and his wife wants to get him something real speacial to celebrate.

Knowing her husband has been crazy about Brigdet Bardot since the fifties, she decides to have Bridget and Bardot tattoo'd on her derriere.

She goes to the local Ink Man and explains what she wants and he informs her there simply won't be enough room... So he suggests having two majestic looking 'B's' on either to cheek to celebrate his enthusiasm for the French screen star!

Fantastic idea, says the wife and the man with the needle sets about his work... and what work it was!

The wife is ecstatic and decides she must go the whole way

She buys some amazing French perfume, a very short and revealing sexy nightdress, flower petals for the bedroom, the finest silk sheets for the bed, incredible mood music, scented candles....

Once out of the shower, she 'retires' to the bedroom to eagerly await her husbands home coming!

Thinking ahead, she decides that the best 'reveal' would be to kneel on all fours with the tattoo facing the bedroom door...

Pretty soon the front door goes and she descreetly becons her husband to the bedroom...

As he walks in, she's there to greet him in all her finery, head looking back with a great beaming smile....

I did this for YOU, she says...

The Rancher, trying to focus removes his glasses and rubs his eyes before uttering the immortal line....

v

v

v

v

v

v

"WHO IN THE HELL IS BOB!!!
 

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Two prostitutes standing on the street one says to the other. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz. The other one says no but i have been spun round by my tits.
 

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Semi Proffessional Prat
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1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)


6. Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
 

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Hello sidspop. I was going to say you dont know how right you are on that last bit. But you probably do. In fact there are places in this land that are already like that.
 

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But Officer.......

Imagine this guy doing 90 down the motorway...
instructions for a fun time
1) fill ballons with helium
2) tie to back of car
3) drive like a bat outta hell
4) watch the expresion on other drivers faces

 

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Desparado
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A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..



"I think my missus caught a glimpse...." :pmsl:
 

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The Ark

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china,
I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything
you want after all you're the guv'
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time
Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks
one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you
say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last
time?"
"Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right. This time I want
you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want
carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get
this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check".
"Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely
getting to the end of his tether....

\/ scroll down \/

\/ scroll down \/

\/ scroll down \/

\/ scroll down \/

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

:pmsl: sorry
 

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Mid England Retrims.
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350 Posts
A firefighter was working on
the engine outside the station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a
little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by
her dog and her cat.

The firefighter
walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the
firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks', the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter
said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.'

Thelittle girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
 

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Mid England Retrims.
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350 Posts
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice
 

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After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling.

When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondles them, and kisses them passionately.

A side glance at her husband, he then put his hand up her skirt, ripped her G-String off, and fondled her wildly, while her husband Mark watched with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.


Jacqueline, flushed, tried to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.


The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'


Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' .........................................................................................................................................................................................................





A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 

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Legs and heels subscriber
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WHO / FDA alert

If anyone receives an e-mail from the World Health Organisation or Food and drug Agency instructing you not to eat canned pork products,

please ignore it.

Its only SPAM

:)))))))))
 

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A gay blokes boyfriend dies unexpectedly, the devestated bloke takes the body to the local butchers and tells the butcher to run it through the mincer, the butcher ask's if it was his boyfriends final request, to which the bloke reply's.... NO, I want to put him in a very hot curry tonight, just so I can get that burning feeling of him coming out of my arse one last time.....:D
 

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When we were kids, my sister always said she'd go down in history. On reflection, that's probably why she got such good marks.
 
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