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"I failed my driving test today. I think it's a bit harsh, I mean I only got 3 minors. Although in fairness they were coming out of school."
 

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Just before he died my grandmother started covering my grandfather in lard! he went downhill rapidly after that

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

"I HAD a friend on Facebook whose status said "Suicidal – Standing on the edge of a cliff". So I poked him..."

i was watching TV last week and i flipped over, all i could see were the cushions really close up!

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade? you cant marmalade your cock up a bird ass
 

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Dragging not Bragging
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5,717 Posts
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.​

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'​

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'​

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about nakedwomen. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'​

The two sat sipping in silence.​

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'​

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'​
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Mid England Retrims.
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350 Posts
a wife awakes in the middle of night to find her husband missing form their bed, she gets up and goes searching for him, on entering the kitchen she finds him sitting at the breakfast bar sobbing uncontrollably, concerned she asks him what could be so bad as to upset him so much. he slowly answers " do you rememeber 20 years ago when we were 16 your dad the judge caught us making love in the barn? " she flushes and answers yes. he continues " and he had his shotgun and said that if i didnt marry you the next morning he would make sure i went to jail for 20 years?" agains she answers yes and ask why such a memory saddens him. he replies " i would have got out today!!"
 

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Mid England Retrims.
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350 Posts
whats the best glue known to man??
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sperm !!!! ever seen a baby fall apart.!!!!!
 

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Mid England Retrims.
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350 Posts
why dont women like having a wee the following morning after a night of sex? have you even tried opening a cheese toastie. :incheek:
 

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Discussion Starter #88
joke

paddy and murphy on a building site . paddy says to murphy " im getting a tad thin on top murph, gunna get booked in for a transplant",
murphy replies." nah you d look a bit silly with a kidney on ure head ,.. !!!!!!!:cool:
 

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paddy and murphy are on a building site , murphy says " i fancy going home early" paddy asks " how you gonna do that?" murphy replies " i will convince the foreman im mad". murphy then hangs from a rafter shouting " im a light bulb , im a light bulb!". the foreman orders murphy to go home. to which paddy packs his gear away and starts to walk out too. the foreman asks where paddys off to , paddy replies " home , i cant work in the dark!!"
 

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CONFUCIOUS SAYS;
Man who shag woman on side of hill,not on the level.

Man who wank into till,coming into money.

Man who stick cock in biscuit tin,fuckin' crackers.
 

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Mid England Retrims.
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350 Posts
CONFUCIOUS SAYS;
Man who shag woman on side of hill,not on the level.

Man who wank into till,coming into money.

Man who stick cock in biscuit tin,fuckin' crackers.
man who goes to bed with itchy bottom wakes up with dirty finger.

man who has hole in pocket feels cocky.

says to err is human to arr is pirate.
 

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Mid England Retrims.
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350 Posts
what do you call a blonde with runny nose ??? FULL !!!.

if a women is on all fours with jizzum dribbling out of here mouth and her "gorden brown" what does this mean ? floors level.
 

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Man wakes up in the morning, goes downstairs to find his wife cooking a fry up.
Brilliant he says, just what I need, he looks in the pan and sees one of his old socks.
'What the fcuk are you doing?' he says to his wife.
Wife replies 'I'm doing exactly what you asked me to when you came in pi$$ed at two o'clock this morning.'
Funny thinks the man as he walks away, don't remember asking her to cook my sock.....
 

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Legs and heels subscriber
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751 Posts
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

> HUSBAND WANTED:
> MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
> MUST NOT BEAT ME,
> MUST NOT PLAY AROUND ON ME &
> MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
> ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you .. you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
 

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Legs and heels subscriber
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751 Posts
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying
in bed one evening, when the wife felt her
husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her
neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly
worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left
inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast
again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping
just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right
side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this
caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


He said, 'I found the remote'.
 

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Dr Penetration
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392 Posts
never fuck a midget with down syndrome



Its not big and its not clever !!!!




sorry if I've offended any retard midgets
 

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Premium Member
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2,087 Posts
After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason".

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
 

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Dr Penetration
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392 Posts
Why hasn't Michael Barrymore got any ash trays in his house???











He puts his **** out in the pool
 
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