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I'm sick of the double standards in my relationship - wife comes home with a "rampant rabbit" and she's a naughty fun girl with a special new toy. But when I order a 240 volt "Fuckmaster 5000 with latex pussy and realistic elasticated arsehole with a spunk collection tray" then I'm some kind of sick bastard! :S
 

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Old enough to know better
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3,479 Posts
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie
is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish, each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck,
then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, Ya know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
 

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1,353 Posts
scientists have revealed that cum makes hair grow . that explains why lots of men have hairy knuckles . but its got me wondering about my nans moustache :incheek:
 

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1,482 Posts
i realy must be carefull how i write my status on facebook ,what i wonted to say is 'i broke the engine in my 1998 ford last night' but instead i put... 'i fucked my 13 year old escort last night' !!!
 

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805 Posts
alzheimers test.. how fast can you guess these words?
1, f--k
2, pu-s-
3, s-x
4, p-n-s
5, boo-s
6, --ndom
.................................
.................................
answers:
1, fork
2, pulse
3, six
4, pants
5, books
6, random
bet you got all 6 wrong didnt you??
 

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805 Posts
i was sat in the airport with my blonde girlfriend during the heavy snow, the flight was cancelled because of it. she says "why cant they just build a big roof over the runway to keep the snow off"...........................
she has a lovely pair of tits though!!! :D
 

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Old enough to know better
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3,479 Posts
i was sat in the airport with my blonde girlfriend during the heavy snow, the flight was cancelled because of it. she says "why cant they just build a big roof over the runway to keep the snow off"...........................
she has a lovely pair of tits though!!! :D
:pmsl:
 

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611 Posts
ITN has announced that petrol stations will be playing porn movies at the pump so you can see someone else getting fucked at the same time as you!
 

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capriac
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1,810 Posts
I was vacuuming the other day when I tripped on the chord and the nozzle jammed violently into my arse.
I was highly embarrassed and spent an hour in A&E trying to convince the staff that I was fucking myself with the hoover and, actually my wife does all the cleaning.
 

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Premium Member
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3,131 Posts
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!
 

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805 Posts
dads cooking deer for sunday lunch, not to upset the kids decides not to tell them what theyre eating, just tells them"its what your mum calls me"
little lad turns to his sister and shouts"dont eat it -its a fucking knob"
 

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805 Posts
they say that sex is the best form of exercise. now correct me if im wrong but 2 minutes once every three months aint gonna shift a beer belly is it??? :incheek:
 

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805 Posts
murphy's in the shower, **** shouts up to him "did you find the shampoo?"
murphy replies "yes but its no use- its for dry hair and ive just bloody wet mine" :shake: :incheek:
 

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Official Drag Addict....
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7,446 Posts
had a job offer from Eddie Stobart... they wouldn't let me put the wife's name on the truck?...

apparently...evil, money grabbing gold digging split arse cunt doesn't fit on a Scania grill?.

Sid.
 

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Lost in the ozone. . ....
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3,029 Posts
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
 
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